If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
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TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
What a chick magnet..
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up