Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
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If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.