[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
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“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
boat question
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?