High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
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Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”