Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
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[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
kevin is now a local weatherman
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
watergate? u mean a dam??
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.