I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
You Might Also Like
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
wow he looks just like him
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does