A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
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You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Trains are just sideway elevators.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.