When you can’t find your friend Neil
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My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
The struggle is real
I can also cook 😂
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not