Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
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wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Order here:
More here:
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.