My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
? 💀
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.