If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
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Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
<—- homeless romantic
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.