First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
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Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Easy enough.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.