I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
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My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”