It’s tough getting user casket reviews
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Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Woke up against my better judgement again
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Wednesday
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you