They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
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Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Good morning y’all ☀️
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.