“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
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Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.