If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
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Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
He just like my cat fr
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Tier 3 meme
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.