Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
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I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis