[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
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I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Check your privilege
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
This is the coolest video you will see today.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.