I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
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There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.