DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
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You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it