[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
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Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches