I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
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My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
this has done me in for some reason
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not