When you have to marry your mother-in-law
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“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
blocked.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.