LMAO
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I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Just had my nails done!
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
congratulations to them
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
I just tested negative for patience.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.