DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
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Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Just why bro?!
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
getting groceries
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out