I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
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My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Risking my life for fun.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.