[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
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Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”