Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
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There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Sharon, call the vet
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.