My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
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lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.