Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
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Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.