6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
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When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
#inspiration #foodforthought
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day