Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
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My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Lol
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint