to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
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Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Go girl power!
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
what the hell pray for carter everyone
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.