[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
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My dryer is celebrating lint.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Taliband
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes