Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
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If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
My daily affirmation
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Me trying to walk in a dream
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full