*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
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A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.