Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
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I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream