I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
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me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.