son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
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Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined