Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
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I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
apparently this year was written by stephen king
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer