Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
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I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
it’s the silliest best thing
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
podcasts
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?