A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
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Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.