Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
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I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
figuring out my emotional availability:
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away