I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
You Might Also Like
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
A fake ID that makes you younger
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
✌🏽
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
United Steaks of America
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”