I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
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If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME