Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
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I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*