Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
You Might Also Like
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.