I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
You Might Also Like
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop