Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
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I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
October already? What’s next? November????
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”